


As You Wish

by Lauren (notalwaysweak)



Category: Red Dwarf
Genre: Gen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2002-01-12
Updated: 2002-01-12
Packaged: 2017-10-05 23:20:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,108
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/47138
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notalwaysweak/pseuds/Lauren
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post-Legion. Lister's into old romances. We know Rimmer hates them, but Lister makes one last-ditch effort to win him over... but will he succeed? You all have my permission to throw pillows and smaller RDSS members at Joey for this one, as he's the one who made me watch Princess Bride.</p><p>For Westley, from Buttercup. (Anyone else calling me that gets murderated.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	As You Wish

**Author's Note:**

> Red Dwarf characters belong to Grant Naylor Productions, but I haven't a clue who The Princess Bride belongs to, except that it was based on the novel by William Goldman.

'I still refuse to believe that I'm going to enjoy this movie,' Rimmer said.

Lister wrinkled his nose at him. 'Sit down at watch it. It's my birthday, you said you'd help me celebrate it.'

'Romantic tosh,' Rimmer scoffed, being a bit of a non-romantic at heart, as Lister pushed the play button. 'Anything called _The Princess Bride_ has to be mush.'

As the movie went on, he only got worse.

'"When I was your age, television was called books"? Lister... does this get any better?'

'Sssh, you smeghead,' Lister said, hitting him with a pillow.

When it got to the definition of Westley's 'As you wish' meaning 'I love you', Rimmer snorted. Very loudly. Very obviously.

'Rimmer!'

'Well, why didn't you ask the Cat to watch it with you? You know I can't stand this sap.'

'Please...'

Rimmer settled down. Maybe it was the pleading tone in Lister's voice. Maybe it was the begging look in his chocolate eyes. Maybe it was because he was saving his best taunts for later, who knew?

* * *

'Is this a kissing _movie_?' Rimmer imitated the sick boy.

'Rimmer! Shut up!' Lister whapped him with the pillow again.

* * *

'Oh, this is better. If one of the gorgeous young lovers is killed by pirates, and the other's about to be killed by brigands, then it's much more enjoyable. I thought you said this was a romance!'

_Whap!_

* * *

But as the movie went on, Lister noticed a change in Rimmer. The hologram stopped making comments at some point -- Lister didn't quite notice when -- and started being sensible. Lister heard him suck in a quick breath every time something happened to threaten one of the leads (who, of course, weren't _really_ dead, or in much danger of it, because movie-makers don't do that in romances).

'I thought you were dead once, and it almost destroyed me. I could not bear it if you died again, not when I could save you,' Lister murmured along with Buttercup.

Rimmer smirked. 'Don't be so mushy, Listy.'

Or maybe he was still cynical...

* * *

'While you're at it, why don't you give me a nice paper cut and pour lemon juice on it?'

Rimmer giggled. 'Now that's what I call a line.'

Lister gave him a weird look. 'Did you just giggle? I don't know if that's better or worse than you being a sceptic.'

'Oh, bugger off, Listy.'

* * *

By the end of the film, Rimmer had shed a tear. Just one.

'I don't know why you're such a smeggin' cynic about romance,' Lister said.

'Well, you would be too if you'd had the childhood I did,' Rimmer said.

'You blame everything on your childhood, don't you?'

Something inside Rimmer snapped.

'So would you if you'd had the one I did! I know you were shunted around by foster parents, but at least you _had_ parents. I felt like I didn't have parents, some days. They were too busy fighting over her sleeping around or over his obsessiveness over my brothers and I being perfect. Then my brothers would take it out on me. I'd come in from the garden most nights from being tied upside-down to a tree for six or seven hours, starving, cold and wet, and I wouldn't get fed because I couldn't answer my father's astronavigation questions. There was always the rack if I actually did answer a question right, because it would convince him that I was ready for Space Corps admission, but I wasn't the right height yet. Nobody liked me at school - I didn't fit neatly into any category, except for being completely wet, and I was at the bottom of that category, so absolutely everyone could pick on me. The teachers hated me, he students loathed me, and when I captained the school skipping team I was ridiculed for being a "poofter". When I joined the Space Corps it was worse, because then I was formally told that I was, in fact, utterly useless. Oh, they said I "didn't quite have the career skills necessary to be entered as anything other than a technician for the moment.".' Rimmer paused. 'That "for the moment" got my hopes up, and stuck me as a technician for the rest of my life. So don't ask me why I've got no romance in my soul, Lister, because there's just no room for it under all of the failure.'

Lister sat there for a full minute with his mouth gaping open, giving Rimmer ample time to get up and walk out.

* * *

Lister was in a quandary. Apart from not being able to find Rimmer -- and on _Starbug_, this was a serious problem -- he didn't even know what to say to him whenever he _did_ find him. He searched for a full hour, upstairs and down, from cockpit to cargo bay, and still didn't find the hologram.

'Mr Lister, Sir? What's wrong?'

'I'm lookin' for Rimmer, Kryte - have you seen him?' Lister watched Kryten shake his head and sighed. 'Never mind.'

'What happened?'

'We were watchin' a movie and he got worked up. Don't worry, I'll work it out with him. I just need to find him.' Lister sighed again. 'I guess I owe him an apology.'

Lurking in the darkness of the shadowed cargo bay, Rimmer overheard this and flinched slightly. Lister had never apologised to him -- well, not sincerely -- well, at least, Rimmer didn't think it was sincere.

He slipped past the other two and out of the doorway, moving silently.

* * *

When Lister finally returned to the sleeping quarters later that night, Rimmer was lying on his bunk, apparently asleep. But as Lister moved around the room, shedding his clothes, changing into boxers for bed, he spoke.

'I'm sorry I ruined your birthday Listy.'

'Hey, it doesn't matter, man. You didn't ruin anything.' Lister drank the rest of his lager and tossed the can into the Waste Disposal Unit. The singlet he was wearing smelt like lager and had a brown stain on the front. 'Just go back to sleep.'

'I wasn't asleep. I was waiting for you to come up.'

'Well, I've spent most of the evening looking for you, apart from havin' me tea. I wanted to talk to you.' Lister crossed the room to his bunk. 'If you want, we'll talk about your family and that for a while.'

'Not right now, Lister.'

'Lights.' The lights went out. 'How about tomorrow, then? Tomorrow is another day.'

Rimmer rolled onto his side, his face a pale shimmer in the darkness. Lister could see him, but he couldn't see Lister, probably because Lister's skin was darker.

'Rimmer? Tomorrow?'

Rimmer smiled to himself. 'As you wish.'


End file.
